I think we may need to hire Jimmy Kimmel's writers for our site 
Here's a bit of his routine from the ABC upfront presentation via TVWeek:
Mr. Kimmel came out and told viewers, “Everything you’re going to hear this week is bullshit...”
And the new shows? “We’re going to cancel about 90% of them,” he said. “Everyone is full of shit except Mike Shaw.”
Mr. Kimmel noted that ABC wanted Jay Leno in its late-night lineup, but that NBC decided to retain Mr. Leno “even if we have to destroy our own network to do it.”
He joked that NBC will offer the TV equivalent of early-bird specials, running its late-night show at 10 p.m. and announcing its primetime schedule before the other networks.
“I don’t know if they’re two weeks early or 50 weeks late,” he said.
Mr. Kimmel said ABC would be offering advertisers great brand integration opportunities. “If you pay enough, your product can kill Dr. Izzie on ‘Grey’s Anatomy,’” he joked.
And as for affluent audiences, he said, 10% of ABC viewers are “watching from homes they still own.”
Ad buyers don’t need an upfront, he said. They need therapy.
“Who cares? It’s not your money. Just give it to us,” he said.
more where that came from at TVWeek
Update: Here is the clip.
HAHA…that is AWESOME!
Eventually everything gets cancelled if you wait long enough, exccept the Today Show. If NBC is offering ealy bird specials, what is CBS offering.
hilarous
What did that have to do with Chuck?
I can’t stand Kimmel but hot damn, that is bleeping hilarious!
Is Jenna as hot as her avatar makes her out to be? Cuz damn!
@ Chris: Ohkey dokey. moving on…
If only silverman made a similar speech…
Truth is very subjective. I think it is more correct to say he spoke, ‘from the heart.’
Mr. Kimmel does speak the truth. ABC’s fall schedule is bull sh*t because the majority of these shows will be cancelled. Nobody will take an interest in them and Scrubs is the next According to Jim for ABC, complete crap that should have been put out to pasture two years ago.
It’s no doubt that Fox and CBS rule supreme in prime time broadcast TV.
ABC hasn’t had a good show since they cancelled The Norm Show.
Whatever happened to “Captain Cook’s Extraordinary Atlas” that ABC talked about with glowing praise last year? My kids where excited about this show when I explain it to them. I guess ABC can’t afford it. Makes me wonder if ABC is having so much financial problems that they can’t put on quality scripted-drama shows.
Bill, despite all the news on it last year it’s listed as a pilot for the (upcoming) 2009-10 season, but since it wasn’t announced as picked up at the upfront, they may have passed. According to FutonCritic, they ordered a pilot plus three additional scripts.
NBC should just go for the triple threat, move Jimmy Fallon to 8pm, Conan to 9pm, Leno at 10pm.
That part was great and had the room in stitches, but I watched the upfront with a room full of Disney employees and even they were cringing when he started taking punches at the other networks.
Haha, I hate Kimmel but that was pretty good actually.
That entire Wednesday night ABC has is going to be wiped off the face of the planet pretty quickly. There’s a reason they didn’t bother announcing their midseason schedule, since this year’s probably going to be littered with even more carnage than last year.
ken says: “If NBC is offering ealy bird specials, what is CBS offering.”
CBS has the 5:00 PM dinner special of liver and onions with prune juice as the drink and yogurt with bran sprinkles for dessert.
Fox is offering a thin soup of the day with a floor show special: six hours of singing and dancing featuring the Awful Amateurs.
ABC’s meals are dropped on the floor and thrown out before they can be served to your table.
Update: The YouTube clip of the Kimmel act is now in the post.