An Open Letter to the Terminator Owners. From a Very Important Hollywood Mogul
Dear Sirs/Ma'ams,
I am Joss Whedon, the mastermind behind Titan A.E., Parenthood (not the movie) (or the new series) (or the one where 'hood' was capitalized 'cause it was a pun), and myriad other legendary tales. I have heard through the 'grapevine' that the Terminator franchise is for sale, and I am prepared to make a pre-emptive bid RIGHT NOW to wrap this dealio up. This is not a joke, this is not a scam, this is not available on TV. I will write a check TODAY for $10,000, and viola! Terminator off your hands.
No, you didn't miscount. That's four -- FOUR! -- zeroes after that one. That's to show you I mean business. And I mean show business. Nikki Finke says the Terminator concept is played. Well, here's what I have to say to Nikki Finke: you are a fine journalist and please don't ever notice me. The Terminator story is as formative and important in our culture -- and my pretend play -- as any I can think of. It's far from over. And before you Terminator-Owners (I have trouble remembering names) rush to cash that sweet cheque, let me give you a taste of what I could do with that franchise:
1) Terminator... of the Rings! Yeah, what if he time-travelled TOO far... back to when there was dragons and wizards? (I think it was the Dark Ages.) Hasta La Vista, Boramir! Cool, huh? "Now you gonna be Gandalf the Red!" RRRRIP! But then he totally helps, because he's a cyborg and he doesn't give a s#&% about the ring -- it has no power over him! And he can carry it AND Frodo AND Sam AND f@%& up some orcs while he's doing it. This stuff just comes to me. I mean it. (I will also offer $10,000 for the Lord of the Rings franchise).
2) More Glau. Hey. There's a reason they're called "Summer" movies.
3) Can you say... musical? Well don't. Even I know that's an awful idea.
4) Christian Bale's John Connor will get a throat lozenge. This will also help his Batwork (ten grand for that franchise too, btw.)
5) More porn. John Connor never told Kyle Reese this, but his main objective in going to the past was to get some. What if there's a lot of future-babies that have to be made? Cue wah-wah pedal guitar -- and dollar signs!
6) The movies will stop getting less cool.
Okay. There's more -- this brain don't quit! (though it has occasionally been fired) -- but I think you get my drift. I really believe the Terminator franchise has only begun to plumb the depths of questioning the human condition during awesome stunts, and I'd like to shepherd it through the next phase. The money is there, but more importantly, the heart is there. But more importantly, money. Think about it. End this bloody bidding war before it begins, and put the Terminator in the hands of someone who watched the first one more than any other movie in college, including "Song of Norway" (no current franchise offer). Sincerely, Joss Whedon.
The guy’s got a great sense of humor.
Very true. And he gets in a few digs at McG and the T3 guys.
Groundwork’s there for a good movie if they actually put the effort into an excellent script.
So, Bill, Rob, you going to start a pool on which studio makes the highest bid? It’d be the TVBTN version of March Madness…
The ultimate movie, Terminator or otherwise, would be scripted by Joss Whedon, Kevin Smith, and Chuck Lorre.
Aren’t they really all the same guy though? Has anyone ever actually seen them all in the same room together?
Hey! TSCC Fan, here! Well, at least Terminator is in the news! Right?
His shows may be uneven, but Joss is first and foremost a very funny guy. How long until you-know-who notices this post and puts his two (or two hundred) cents in?
Remember, if you want to give Ringo less, that’s up to you.
$10,000? I bet the crazy TSCC fans could go higher than that. It would be a better use of their money than this.
Some of the crazy Terminator fans are really pissed about this. Honestly they need to go and get a sense of humor. Its clearly meant as a joke and I for one found it very funny.
I am a big Joss and TSCC fan, but I can see most TSCC fans not finding this one bit funny, especially considering they already blame him for the show’s demise.
Adam, perhaps that is why Joss wrote it, no?
Of course it is, but it seems a little mean-spirited. I wonder if he is now blaming TSCC fans for the inevitable demise of his show?
awesome.
I say go for it.
I also am of the opinion that he should buy the franchise rights to my life story. For $10,000.
Joss Whedon = Legend for writing that, even though I only like Firefly and Dr Horrible from his vast back catalogue.
*looks at watch and waits for JBF to comment*
Hmm… fishy. I thought Whedon proofread all of his writing. “Viola” and “Boramir” stand out.
But funny. Make this happen, Rights Owners!
Dave: It sounds like JBF did write that, actually…
…which means that perhaps he and the real Joss should switch places, and see if the next Wheedon series does better…
…although Joss channelling JBF probably wouldn’t be as funny, JBF’s series should do much better than Dollhouse…
…and as long as the real Joss gets 40 percent of the writing and production profits (but only if he plays JBF regularly here, though!), everyone wins
I would be first in line for Terminator: The Musical.
Especially if it were penned by Mr. Whedon.
I can’t find the part where he slammed the television show…
TSCC fans not finding it funny?
Where the heck you looking man?
I’m a TSCC fan and I found it funny as hell. So did a lot of TSCC fans I know.
not funny
Best! Idea! Ever!
Who could possibly be better for saving a huge franchise like Terminator other than my main Joss Whedon?! I mean, he wrote Alien Resurrection, which is clearly the best movie in the Alien franchise! That alone should get him the job!
I am more than willing to pitch in another $10,000 for him, so that he might be able to get the franchise for a low, low price of 20,000 dollars! I am not allowed to actually get within 500 feet of the awesome Joss himself, due to a restraining order, but I don’t think I’m forbidden from sending him stuff! On the other hand, I could get, say, 501 feet away from him, and then use a slingshot to send him the cash! That couldn’t possibly go wrong, could it?!
Dollhouse! Dollhouse! Dollhouse! The existing Terminator franchise drools! Dollhouse rules! Dollhouse!